I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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