he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I forget how to act sober
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
