Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
