It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
