seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
