mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
