So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
