The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
do herpes really smell.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
