we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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