actually, I'm a sock model
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
