i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Never let your siblings swipe right.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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