You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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