I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
