if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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