Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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