I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
