The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
