Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
