You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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