I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
