I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
