Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
you will always have a special place in my vag
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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