and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
