I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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