dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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