You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
