if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Can you bring me the toilet please
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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