I want to walk on stilts...naked
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
