Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
