ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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