It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I showed him my bush... on skype.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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