I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
