Where did you get a picture of my penis
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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