that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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