People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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