I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
