He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
