1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
