I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
