tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Can vaginas get frostbite?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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