I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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