Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
