Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
