i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
