I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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