when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
