I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
