well I can't set my house on fire every night
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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