Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
