So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
